my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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