This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
