Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
