I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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