am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
