im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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