If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
