Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.