so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.