i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
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i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
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I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.