The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
