It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
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