my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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