What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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