I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Randomize
