Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
