When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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