life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
