i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just found puke in my bra..
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You're breaking my sexual little heart
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
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