Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
