When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
