lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
