the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
