I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
