Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
