Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
