and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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