dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
