So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
