I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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