apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
