and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
