How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
