My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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