the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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