A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
