Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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