Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
