i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
