I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
