just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
