shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
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