I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
i think i just lost a toe
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
