everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
