I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I think I just sharted jello shots
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
