Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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