you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
