yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
