i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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