I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
