The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
