woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
My dick has a subreddit
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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