Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
