The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
