I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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