you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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