i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
