She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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