Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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